Putting my oxygen mask on first

As this wild year draws to a close, even with school Christmas emails flying about like crazed pigeons, I like - in fact I need - to take moments to pause and reflect. It has been an incredibly turbulent year on our Earth, one where shocking atrocities have been the backdrop to whatever it is we are experiencing as individuals. And I realise that for the past couple of years, I have simply felt less able to hold the mental load that comes with this time of year particularly. I can actually see, sense and feel my ability to jiggle and slot the moving parts that Christmas often requires, starting to wane. It’s as if my mind just won’t do it. Maybe it’s hormonal, but maybe it’s also wisdom.

There have been too many Christmases where I have frazzled myself, shredded myself, laid sleepless in bed in the months leading up to it, trying to figure out how everyone could get their needs met, how it could be magical, fun, special and exciting. The right gift, the nicest menu, the best outcome. I have done it all, again and again.

I realised last year, with sadness, that I was actually dreading Christmas. I had always been someone who loved it, and all of a sudden, I didn’t. It just felt like work, like pressure.

For this year to feel different, I have had to say no to a few things - and these were hard ones. These ‘No’s’ meant disappointing people, people I love most dearly too. These ‘No’s’ caused quite a bit of internal battle and some sorrow as I had to let go of ‘how we’ve always done things’. But honestly, some of these ‘No’s’, were actually ones that nobody knew about. They were the ones I have had to say to myself.

They were: No, we don’t need to go to have multiple festive experiences for it to feel Christmassy. We don’t need to gorge on the lights/the panto/the ice skating/the carol service/the grotto/Christmas pyjamas, etc etc. We don’t. Some version of the world wants us to need it, but we don’t. I can choose, I can be discerning, I can breathe before I click ‘Buy Now’. I can say ‘No ‘ to the extra-extra tide of pressure and expectation and try to actually be the change I wish to see.

And so, I’ve put the oxygen mask on first this year and it’s an immense relief. And wouldn’t you know it, rather than it feeling selfish, putting myself first has made things better; other unexplored outcomes have been able to blossom. People in my family who haven’t spent Christmas with each other for decades are going to come together. My financial resources are not being stretched to splitting point. It has created an ‘allowing’ that would never have emerged otherwise.

It means I have just a bit more space, more quiet, more time to just feel and reflect on this year. To look back over the past 12 months and really acknowledge the momentous life shifts that have happened. To step off the ever-spinning wheel and actually be present to my own journey. To see what I have learnt, where I have grown and where I might want to take this life.

And to try, if at all possible, to end this year in one piece instead of many!